Return with Honor Published Oct. 25, 2011 By Chaplain (Capt.) Kelly Stahl 379th Air Expeditionary Wing Chaplain SOUTHWEST ASIA -- The departure to a foreign location can be a challenging time for families. Deployments can take a heavy toll on a family, which if not strong from the beginning, will usually not make it stronger in the end. If problems exist with areas such as financial, health, communication or trust, adding thousands of miles of distance will only cause aggravation. Tensions tend to rise toward the approaching departure date and families may begin to naturally detach themselves from one thinking, whether subconsciously or not, it will help ease the pain of separation. Looking back over my own departure, I wonder what I could have done to prepare my family better for separation. My wife, on the other hand, was a real trooper and thought of many ways to connect our two young daughters to the looming separation. One example of this is a jar she filled with chocolate kisses, and she made me paint the jar with the words, "Kisses from Daddy," so that each day I was gone, they could have a special treat from me. Another idea she thought of was collecting cardboard from paper towel rolls and painstakingly painting some purple and others pink, cutting them into half-inch heart shapes and hanging them on string so that our girls could each tear one off every day as a countdown until my return. A third thought she had was creating some online photo albums, filling them with photos of myself and the girls. She then had me write a little letter to each of our daughters inside the books. She is amazing and I could go into so much more detail about the projects and ways she prepared herself and our family for deployment. Even with all the preparations we made, there were still times of anxiety and frustration - not with the family per se, but with the scheduling of necessary appointments and desperate attempts to tie up all the loose ends before heading out. Those times of stress really made it easy to snap at the family, barking like a junkyard dog. That's exactly what a family needs just before leaving, right? But how many can relate to that sort of thing happening in the final countdown to departure, feeling guilty for not letting little situations just roll off your back? But are there some things we can do to prepare ourselves better so we may cherish our time together? What could be done to create unity and let them know they are treasured and missed? Here are just a few ideas that may be useful during that time. First, write a letter or card telling your family how proud you are of their sacrifice. Let them know you are okay, but you miss them. I know we live in an age of social media, but an old-fashioned card with a handwritten message will show you care enough to take some time out of your day to think of them. Next is some advice that a great friend and neighbor back home who has deployed many times gave me. He said, "Don't criticize your wife's decisions. I did on my first deployment and I regret it." That's sound advice. She's back home making the best decisions possible under the pressure of running the household, and may be doing some things for the first time that my family had been accustomed to me doing. I may have made different decisions, but I need to support her and let her know it. This applies to husbands back home as well. Now, what do you do when setting sights on returning home? Redeployment has its own set of issues and problems. It won't be all love, roses and romance, but do make sure there is still at least some love, roses and romance. Coming home to a family that has survived on its own doing many things without you can be difficult, so having patience with them is important. Often I get a few chuckles with a question I ask folks returning home. The question was originally posed to me by an old sage who asked, "Where do you find a turtle with no legs?" The answer is really quite simple, "Right where you left it." The problems and frustrations you may have had before leaving are quite similar to that turtle. They are still there, right where you left them. There may be a honeymoon at first and things may seem great at the excitement of being home, but soon those legless turtles will start popping up. Don't be shocked when you see them, and don't step over them - face them. Seek help in getting them taken care of through a chaplain, Military One Source, mental health, local pastor or the Military Family Life Consultant (MFLC). One of the most important things we can do for our families can be summed up in a story about a man growing up. His father had a sign in the front yard that read, "Return with Honor." He said he really didn't appreciate the sign until his adult years, but it really sums up how we should live in all areas of our lives. What we do during the deployment matters. We serve our nation, obey the orders of those above us and we need to model good character to those around us. When returning home, we should be able to look our coworkers, family, spouses and children in the eye and know that we've returned with honor. I know I want that for my family.